The Wife:

With Fo gone, the house seems to have divided itself along color lines, as in the girls who are the color of the bottom of a swimming pool are friends, as are the girls with actual pigment in their skin. Newly divided into virtual teams, the girls received a Tyra Mail that was basically just a bunch of strange bird sounds (later revealed to be onomatopoetic interpretations of dance beats) and were shipped off to learn the samba with Paulina, who told the girls that dancing is like modeling because if you don’t know what you’re doing, you have to be good at faking it. That’s a good rule for life, in general, actually. Unless you’re faking things like neurosurgery and a knowledge of the law. Those would be bad things to fake. As expected, Paulina told Celia to relax while dancing, was afraid Allison would inadvertently hurt herself with all her clumsy awkwardness, commended Aminat on her effortless grace and was surprised Teyona wasn’t better at moving from place to place. (Um, remember last week’s go-sees? When she fumbled from place to place? Or does Paulina not watch the dailies?)

This reminds me: whos excited for So You Think You Can Dance???? I am!

This reminds me: who's excited for So You Think You Can Dance???? I am!

But this teach was not all the dancing the girls would be required to do, as their next Tyra Mail instructed them to not look down and they were brought to a rooftop to dance the samba before Paulina once again. The girl who fake-sambaed the best would be awarded $7K worth of Ara Vartanian jewelry, and, even though she’s old, Paulina gave Celia the win because she learned to relax and did the best fake samba. She was allowed to share her prize with someone else, so she chose Allison, because girls with no pigment got to stick together, much to Aminat’s chagrin, as she thought she should have been chosen as second best premiere dancer. (Probably, but for all Aminat’s complaining about how Paulina didn’t understand the friendships in the house, Aminat herself apparently didn’t understand how girls on Top Model share prizes.) Now, I have no problem believing that Celia chose her friend to share her prize, but what I do have trouble believing is that one pair of earrings and one necklace made with semi-precious stones totaled $7K. Really? Really, Ara Vartanian? Look, those giant hunks of onyx with the microscopic rubies were beautiful, but I’m so sure they’re not worth more than $1K. And the turquoise and silver necklace Allison chose? Maybe $500. If that’s how much his jewelry made from semi-precious stones cost, I can’t wait to see the price tag on a diamond solitaire.

The next Tyra Mail said something I didn’t even bother writing down about mama birds and baby birds, and the next morning Sutan and Christian Marc showed up to start the girls’ hair and makeup at the house before driving them two hours away from Sao Paulo and into the heart of the Brazilian jungle (and by heart, I mean outskirts).

“This is not, like jungle for TV.” — Aminat

On the way, they found a dramatic Tyra, pretending her Jeep broke down and picked her up and took her to the shoot, which worked out well, as she was the photographer this week. I love a Tyra shoot for a number of reasons, and this was one of the best. It was creative and interesting (the modelettes posed as birds in nests), and filled with Tyra ridiculata. Allow me to give you some of Tyra’s discernible utterances:

  • “Okay, so you are a birdie-owl-slash-pterodactyl.”
  • Tyra thinking a moth is a bat.
  • Tyra’s near-death experience i.e. tripping and not even falling.
  • “I woulda died getting your shot, girl! I almost just died!”
  • “And one of ya’lls gonna be up on her covah!” (Okay, so that was at panel about Anne Shoket, but still. Tyra.)
Sad, scared little birds.

Sad, scared little birds.

Personally, I thought the pigmentally challenged girls did much better on this shoot than the girls with skin tone. Allison and Celia both just stood out in their photos more to me, wore the makeup better and really were commanding presences in their photos. Not to mention that Tyra enjoyed shooting both of them better than she did Teyona and Aminat. But Celia’s old, and she can’t help that. So I think you can see where the producers were leading us. Tyra was so busy turning the modelettes into birds that she forgot to kidnap babies for her stupid Finding Your Inner Fierceness promos for nothing, so instead, they went straight to panel.

  • Allison: This was a truly stunning photo, and it’s amazing that she is not overwhelmed by all that hair and makeup, says Nigel. Tyra was impressed during the shoot and Miss J even complimented Allison’s work . . . in owl.
  • Teyona: Her body angles in this picture are not ideal, but her face looks stellar. The judges are split. I think the photo is really static, Paulina and Nigel like it, but Anne and Tyra don’t think it’s Teyona’s best work. (True.)
  • Celia: “It’s always daring when you put your armpit straight to camera, but it works,” says Nigel. Tyra thinks she looks like an Amazon, and compares Celia’s bone structure to Paulina’s. Tyra also mentions that while Celia photographs old and isn’t conventionally pretty, she was very fresh in her shoot. Anne thinks her body looks perfect in the photo. I just think the photo is perfect.
  • Aminat: Everyone at panel is happy that Aminat finally managed to catch the light on her face, even though her gorgeous body is kinda busted in this pose. I actually don’t like this entire photo, because even though her face caught the light, it isn’t saying anything.
Well, at least one chick named Allison had a good Wednesday night!

Well, at least one chick named Allison had a good Wednesday night!

Callouts: It was kind of a foregone conclusion that Allison would get the first callout, and that Tyra favorite Teyona would make the final three, leaving Aminat the Sour and Celia the Old in the bottom two. After much debate about their potential as models, Celia’s age and Celia’s fabulousness, Celia was sent home, with the express instructions that she was born to work in the fashion industry . . . as an editor or a stylist. Not so much as a model.

I love Celia to death, and I seriously hope that someone is smart enough to put her on one of the hundreds of personal styling/makeover/fashion design shows floating around the networks these days. Could she perhaps be Tim Gunn’s next assistant on Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style? Maybe Bravo could give Celia her own show, or she could run around with Tabatha Coffey giving people fierce hair and fierce clothes. She deserves a showcase for that sense of style, even if it isn’t in the pages of a magazine.

The Husband:

Every once in a while, ANTM does something that greatly confuses me. Okay, they ousted Celia because of her age. Then why did they bring her on the show in the first place? I understand that they often try to make a point with their selections, that for instance just because a model is 25 does not mean she can’t pose young. But that really wasn’t their beef with Celia this week, because she avoided that whole “you model more maturely than we’d like” problem. Basically, they fired her for the same reason they hired her. So what was the point? Not even having a superior picture to both Teyona and Aminat could get her into the Top 3, so what else could she have done?

Farewell, enjoy your career as an assistant stylist somewhere!

Farewell, enjoy your career as an assistant stylist somewhere!

You confuse me, Tyra.

The Husband:

The Judges’ Save had to be used this week. Pretty much guaranteed. Had it waited until next week, they would have been forced to use it just to prove that it wasn’t a worthless threat. Not only that, then they would have had to save somebody from Disco Week, which will in my foresight probably be kryptonite to at least half of the contestants. (All 3.5 of them.)

Here, it was to save a rather talented performer, one who has continued to surprise, going for a very bad song selection. And as a result, I must now reintroduce the Children Of Saint Clare Kibosh on both the Bryan Adams songs used this week. Sorry “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” from Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves. It’s just too easy of a choice, and even delivering a rather heartfelt and unique rendition of it, as Anoop did this week, could still get your ass in the bottom three. And, of course, the craptacular “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?” from Don Juan DeMarco also gets the COSC Kibosh, as it’s a piece of shit that was somehow nominated for an Oscar, and even somebody like Chris Daughtry back in s5 (you know, the guy who proved that ending up in fourth place can still make you a megastar) couldn’t do a good job no matter how hard they tried.

Thank you for not sending me back to that dueling piano bar where I work!

Thank you for not sending me back to that dueling piano bar where I work!

(I pointed out to my wife that the song from Don Juan DeMarco was so bad, it lost the Best Original Song Oscar to Pocahontas’ “Colors of the Wind,” but I had forgotten that, in the same year, Randy Newman’s “You’ve Got A Friend” and Bruce Springsteen’s “Dead Man Walking” were also in contention, and either would have been superior choices for the award. But why Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and Eddie Vedder’s better Dead Man Walking song, “The Face of Love,” wasn’t nominated in Springsteen’s place is a reason I really hate the Oscar category some of the time. It’s all political, bitches.)

This COSC Kibosh, however, does not completely eliminate Bryan Adams from the competition. I still think “Heaven” and “Summer of ‘69” could be worthy additions to the Idol repertoire (or has “Heaven” already been done once?), as they are better and less sappy songs.

As for the rest of the folks, Kris Allen made the smartest decision to go with “Falling Slowly” from Once, a glorious song well-suited to his talents. (I’ll let my wife talk about the ‘net’s reaction to choosing this song.) But, honestly, you know who could have done it better? I hate to say it, but Danny Gokey. He would have nailed it. But, as usual, Gokey is a lazy song selector, and no matter how well he may croon a Lionel Ritchie schmaltz fest, his laziness will always bother me. And yes, I do think it matters, because that means if he wins Idol and makes the 19 Entertainment record, he won’t have any discerning tastes and will end up with a piece of shit album. This stuff matters, people.

His mind's made up.

His mind's made up.

I actually have to give Lil Rounds some credit for reaching into the Bette Midler handbag and pulling out the gorgeous “The Rose,” because it told me that she was finally thinking outside the box. Maybe she wasn’t as lazy of a song selector as, say, Lakisha back in s6. But she couldn’t figure out how to transfer it to her own skills despite a half-assed attempt at “churching” it up. And her post-critique attitude was completely uncalled for, as she has seemed to completely misunderstood the difference between musician and artist that Simon brought up last week. Lil, he wasn’t telling you to pick a different kind of song; he was telling you to be your own performer no matter what the song, instead of a well-voiced karaoke performer. Don’t get mad at him because you fucked up. You can pick any song in the world, but if you’re not making an individual impression and creating your own persona, you’re nothing.

As for this week’s decision to split up the judges’ panel into two groups of two, and yet still managed to run over into Fringe, I think it was an okay idea executed poorly. But me? I have a solution. It’s called A COUNTDOWN CLOCK! Give each judge a gigantic red sign that counts down from, say, 25 seconds to zero, and when it hits that big “0,” shut your mouth. Secondly, tell Paula and Simon to stop interrupting each other, because not only is it a waste of time, it’s disrespectful to the contestants. Both are equally guilty of this crime. Third, tell the judges to ignore the audience. No matter how loud they may get, we can still hear every word the judges say on the microphones, because they are DIRECTIONAL MICROPHONES. The sound of their voice is what’s being picked up the highest, because it’s right in front of their fucking mouths. If the crowd stars booing, don’t hesitate, don’t talk back and don’t worry. They’re just people who waited in line for six hours in the crappy Los Angeles sun and have zero clue what they’re talking about.

Except for the Observer. He knows what’s up.

And yes, the song choices were mostly kind of balls across the board. I know that Idol only has a short list of what songs can actually be selected, but these are a few songs, for example, that would have been better. And these are just the songs that won Oscars. This isn’t even counting the many worthy nominations in the category in years past. (Shit, like 1999’s “When She Loved Me” from Toy Story II or Aimee Mann’s “Save Me” from Magnolia, which both lost to [shudder] Phil Collins.)

(Thanks be to Wikipedia for this list.)

  • “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” (Lil could have turned into a jazz queen with this)
  • “Flashdance…What a Feeling” (you know, the good song from that movie)
  • “I’m Easy” (even Megan Joy could have done well with this had she been around)
  • “Into The West” (I actually would have loved to see Gokey go against type and do this Annie Lennox song. It would have been made of actual emotion and not just whatever it is that he gives us every week)
  • “Streets Of Philadelphia” (Giraud would have done this justice)
  • “Take My Breath Away” (Allison did a good job with Aerosmith, but imagine if she pulled off this Berlin song with her trademark roughness. It would have brought down the house.)

Okay, I know I’m going to hell for this, but I would have loved to have seen Anoop just completely fuck with everybody’s mind if he dressed up like Aladdin, full wardrobe, and did “One Jump Ahead” with full choreography and blocking, and the Ricky Minor band could have done the ensemble work, like have the trumpeters yell “Scoundrel!” and “Take that!”

The Wife:

But how could Anoop get an Aladdin outfit when he was too busy doing the ONE THING I ASKED HIM NOT TO DO and donning an honest-to-God letterman’s jacket? Okay, it was the bastard love child of a letterman’s jacket and a blazer, but still, that was the one collegiate look I asked him not to do, and he ignored me. And you know what it did? It got him in the bottom three. (Look, I realize it was mostly the song that did that, but I’m going to pretend it was also the jacket. Because it was a shitty song, but he sang it well. Thus, I think America voted nay on the over-the-top jacket.)

Everything I do, I do it so you won't wear this damn jacket again!

Everything I do, I do it so you won't wear this damn jacket again!

I’m running out of things to say about this show, fashion-wise, as the contest is a sausage fest and the guys have definitely got their signature looks figured out. Lil still desperately needs Tim Gunn’s help, going from another strange black vest concoction on performance night to a lime green shirtdress made out of the worst polyester in the world on elimination night. She got longer extensions this week, which made me realize that she’s a lot prettier with shorter hair and that she probably should have kept it short for the whole competition. I’m afraid someone told her that she wasn’t getting America’s votes because she didn’t look feminine enough, or something, but that advice has lead her down a long, dark path of hair extensions cast-off from Tyra’s modelettes. Let me remind her that Fantasia had a super butch haircut back in Season 3 . . . and that lady won.

I wasn’t fond of Allison’s performance garb, especially the twice-tucked corner of her black shirtdress, but it was way cuter than the rainbow-sherbert concoction she decided to wear for eliminations. Allison, honey, I know you’re 16, but you are on national television. You are not going bowling with your friends; you have to look like the rock star we know you are. Please don’t disappoint me again.

And on a couple of non-fashion related notes, I wish Adam Lambert hadn’t chosen “Born to Be Wild,” but what he did to it totally reminds me of his performances at The Zodiac Show. Like this one:

(Yes, I have been stalking him on YouTube!)

But I am super-duper glad Kris Allen chose “Falling Slowly” from Once, the most amazing little Oscar-winning musical movie ever! I am a Kara defender, but I wanted to punch ladyface in the teeth when she dubbed the song “obscure.” As my husband mentioned above (and I just did, too), it won an Oscar very recently. People may not have seen Once, but they have encountered the song. And I cannot be happier that the Internet exploded yesterday with searches for the movie, the song and the lyrics — all because of Kris Allen. So, perhaps Kara was right, and its obscure for Idol‘s audience. But it won’t remain obscure much longer.

I couldn’t find the scene from the film in which that song appears on the YouTube, but here’s Fox Searchlight’s official music video thing of the song and clips from the film:

And here’s another song from the film, that I totally love called “When Your Mind’s Made Up:”

Featuring one song from Once on Idol’s approved song list almost made up for two shitty Bryan Adams songs, and I can only be thankful that Idol and Kris Allen brought more people to this lovely little indie film.

The Husband:

I don’t really have a whole lot to say this week. The performances on Tuesday were a mixed bag, with selections ranging from smart and dead-on (Adam, Allison) to stupid and dumbshit esoteric (Scott and Kris), and things went pretty much as I expected. Scott, despite his big heart and his borderline transcendence of the competition when in front of a piano, picked a virtually unknown-to-my-generation song by Survivor (who are only known for “Eye of the Tiger” and nothing else) and was, as predicted by me in my head, the lowest vote getter. The other two members of the bottom three included one that absolutely deserved to be there (Lil, who finally got bitched out by the judges for the exact same reasons I’ve been writing on this hyah blog) and one who didn’t (Anoop, whose rendition of “True Colors” made him sound like Kenneth Brian “Babyface” Edmonds circa 1995, which is not a bad thing). Switch out Kris with Anoop and you have the perfect bottom three.

For the record, it really freaks me out that Allison was born in 1992.

For the record, it really freaks me out that Allison was born in 1992.

So what’s been going on with Lil? Well, she’s been suffering from what I call Ramiele Syndrome, where a female artist impresses like crazy during the semifinals and seems set for complete glory, but upon getting into the Top 12 gets so nervous about show themes and control that she loses all semblance of individuality and begins to make lazy song choices and poor singing decisions. I supposed you could also name this syndrome after Mandisa or Jessica Sierra (without mentioned her stint on Celebrity Rehab) or Camile Velasco (man, what a fall) – or after any person you subjectively feel failed to live up to their promise – but it’s gotten to the point where I just want her gone. She is the karaoke queen of the competition, a nice voice but nothing else.

And no, there is no controversy regarding Adam Lambert’s choice to do Gary Jules’ version of “Mad World” instead of the 1982 Tears For Fears version, because that’s entirely in the rules, and nobody gave him false praise for doing a “unique version.” Danny Gokey is on slightly rockier waters for choosing a song that had a cover released in his birth year, even though the song itself, “Stand By Me,” was released in 1961, but it’s still entirely within the rules of the competition.

And lo, it seems that is starting to have the opposite effect on the competition than expected. Their first choice for their members to vote for in order to cause pop culture anarchy, Megan Joy [Corkrey], only placed in ninth, and the moment they pick Scott as a follow-up, he’s gone too, in eighth place. This is further proof that their claim of pulling Sanjaya through the competition in s6 is complete bullshit, because they have no actual pull. It’s all talk, no walk, man. They can eat me.

And there’s the other important factor on American Idol Wednesdays – the Ford commercials. I appreciate the fact that it’s a way for the Idols to let off some steam for a day while messing around, but I don’t understand why they can’t be better. Wouldn’t it be best to make a commercial that could actually run on TV at times not associated with Idol. I guess not. In the eight years this show has been on, I can only recall one Ford commercial that I thought looked like a real commercial. It’s from s6, the Top 11.

Okay, there is one from s4 that does have a certain level of evocation. And, due to my love of both old school rap and the Muppets,  it’s evocative of my nightmares.

Could you honestly name any of the s4 contestants solely based off that video? Bo Bice and Niko Smith are the only two who look anything like their real-life counterparts.

The Wife:

First of all, I want to give props to Gokey and Anoop for having the balls to wear very bright colors, in celebration of their being born in the 1980s. Gokey looks good in hot pink and Anoop carried off that Kanye-ish green cardie like nobody’s business. But what I really need to talk about is Lil Rounds.

What's my leather got to do, got to do with it?

What's my leather got to do, got to do with it?

Lil, I’m sorry I thought your wig was on crooked last week. Apparently, it’s just that the person who gave you that weave didn’t bother to cut your bangs straight, and no one has bothered to fix them. As you fall further into your identity crisis, you performed your cheap Tina Turner song in cheap leather, and followed that up by performing the group sing last night in a tank top covered entirely in metal studs that were far too many and far too large. Girlfriend, Lady Gaga wear a zipper on her face and she wouldn’t even wear that shirt.

The problem, Lil, is that you have not only no idea what kind of artist you are, but you also have no idea what kind of person you are. I appreciate that you tried to look like you were performing a Tina song as Tina, but you didn’t do it right. It wasn’t like the Vampire Lamb Bear performing “Tracks of My Tears” as Frankie Valli, it was like poor Alexis Grace performing “Jolene” in her dowdy Dolly Parton outfit. If you are going to go costume, you have to do it right. And you don’t know how to do it right, so just don’t do it. Get a stylist who isn’t schizophrenic, understands body lines and get a hair artist who can cut straight and you’ll be well on your way to at least looking like you know what you’re doing.

Tim Gunn, can you please come and help Lil Rounds be fabulous? She needs you.

The Wife:

This may seem blasphemous to say, but there is a better modeling competition than ANTM. And I say “better” here in the sense that its more serious and pulls out the big guns, rather than making deals with commercial companies while all the while spouting out reminders that they’re looking for a versatile, high fashion model when they really are just looking for a CoverGirl. I like ANTM, nay, I adore ANTM, but Make Me a Supermodel freakin’ blows Tyra out of the water when it comes to serious, serious modeling.

My Bravo-watching friends and I were so blown away by the first season of Make Me a Supermodel that we tried to recreate the snow shoot on our own during a weekend in Tahoe where I wore orange ski pants and drank more than I have since college. We loved squirrel-shooting Holly, the West Virginia country girl with a passion for fashion, and the bromance between prison guard Ben and Perry Ellis-style model Ronnie, the former a staunchly heterosexual man working in a world that fears homosexuality and the latter a very openly gay man. We watched Ben overcome his anti-gay indoctrination and learn to love a gay man, and we were totally transfixed when news hit that contestant Perry’s girlfriend was seen palling around with Britney Spears’ ex, Adnan Galib. This show was stellar, and it still is.

This season, Nikki Taylor was replaced by Nicole Trufino for this season, and she and host Tyson Beckford took on the capacity of Tim Gunn-esque modeling mentors for the models, rather than placing themselves on the judging panel, which has been completely revamped to include model-maker Marlon, photographer Perou, the always fabulous Jenny Shumizu and designer Catherine Malandrino. It’s. Fucking. Fabulous.

The new cast of Make Me a Supermodel

The new cast of Make Me a Supermodel

For their very first challenge, the chosen models were thrown together in pairs into a plexiglass box, suspended above NY harbor. To make their introductions to their castmates even more awkward, they were asked to pose in sexy lingerie and capture an intimate moment while in that very visible box of doom while Perou shot them and called out directions on a megaphone. Amanda, a mom from Portland, paired of with Kerryn, aka “the white Karen.” Salome, the former Mennonite, paired off with sullen Gabriel. Brazilian-by-way-of-Pakistan Mountaha paired off with Trinidadian dancer Sandhurst, who has one of the loveliest accents ever to be heard on TV. Laury paired off with English Jonathan, with the black Karen paired off with gaysian Shawn. Super cute girl Jordan paired off with CJ from San Ramon, which is all kinds of near where I live. Ken, who is like a Ken doll, paired off with geeky Colin, who bears a very striking resemblance to actor John Francis Daley. This left macho dickmeat Branden to pair off with androgynous Chris, whom I shall refer to solely as Orlando because he sometimes looks like Tilda Swinton. (I recommend you see Sally Potter’s adaptation of Virginia Woolf’s excellent Orlando if you don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.)

Immediately, I took a disliking to Branden who was uneasy about being paired with Orlando because he is, and I quote, “especially not gay.” He expressed a great amount of discomfort about having to pose with another man, let someone mistake him as gay. Branden, darling, I have news for you. You’re a male model. You’re going to meet and work with a lot of gay men. And people will assume things about your sexuality (which I entirely disagree with) simply because of your profession. And you will have to deal with it. And if you can’t deal with it, then you shouldn’t be in this profession. Or any profession, really. Because the gays are everywhere, Branden. They’re everywhere.

Perou seemed largely unimpressed with the Ken/Colin pairing, as well as the Amanda/Kerryn pairing. After the shoot, Nicole brought the models their books so they could see their photos, and told the models that each photoshoot would have one winner, and that winner would be awarded a coveted go-see. Cory Bautista then called to tell Salome that she had won, and that she could get a go-see at Catherine Malandrino’s store. She was able to take a friend, and Salome unwisely announced that she wanted to pick someone she might be able to win against. She chose CJ, who was none-too-happy at being told, basically, that Salome thought she was a loser. Honestly, I just don’t think former Mennonite Salome has much of a thought-filter. She seems like the kind of person who just hasn’t yet learned how to navigate the social conventions of the real world, so she has no idea that it’s inappropriate and kind of mean to say, outright, that she thinks she can best someone. It didn’t really matter, anyway, though, because neither girl booked a job from that go-see. CJ was too short, and Salome just couldn’t walk it out well enough.

For the first runway show, the models were asked to walk in clothes by Alexander McQueen and Prada (for the gents), as well as Zac Posen and Jean Franco Ferren (for the ladies). After which, Colin, Chris, Salome, Jordan, Ken and Sandhurst were called in for judging as the best and the worst of the week. Catherine Malandrino really dislikes Ken and points out that he’s not quite the right size or shape for male modeling. She isn’t fond of Colin, either, but describes him as interesting because he looks like a dreamer. She’s French, so I can’t tell if that was a compliment or not. Perou also dislike Ken and calls him The Incredible Hulk, which is the opposite of what you want to be when you’re a male model. They gave the win this week, plus immunity next week, to Jordan, who walked the runway well in a difficult dress, and gave Ken the boot.

In the next episode, the models were asked to do a candy-themed photoshoot with Suza Scolora where the make-up artists went totally nuts. Everyone on set was basically naked except for some little nudie panties. The girls got some petals to put over their nips, but other than oodles of glitter, candy and body paint, they didn’t really have anything on at all. This was a cute for Branden to not only be a homophobe, but a completely unprofessional chauvinist, as well. And while I appreciate that he used the term “boobie wow wows” to describe CJ’s breasts, if he’s going to be in the modeling industry, he needs to start treating nudity like it’s no big thing and stop fucking staring so lustfully at his colleagues. Sandhurst gets it; he admitted that it takes quite a lot of concentration to not get excited on the set. And it does, but that’s what you do because it’s your fucking job. This shoot, by the way, was much classier than the candy shoot from ANTM Cycle 8, although I wonder why this shoot didn’t go the ANTM route and give each model a different candy to embody. Instead, there were two folks posing as chocolate, a handful of pixie stix, two lollipops, etc. Surely, there were more candies available, weren’t there?

Gabriel, Salome and Mountaha all posed as pixie stix, and the girls definitely did a better job than Gabriel did, who managed to do the most sullen impersonation of Ziggy Stardust imaginable, looking completely unhappy to be covered in orange body glitter and a messy orange anime wig. Come on, dude! Why wouldn’t you be happy to be covered in orange body glitter? It’s like coming home from prom!

Chris/Orlando and Kerryn had to become “sprinkles,” which I argue is not a candy, but an ice cream topping. Both of them looked a litlte too much like the cover of James Frey’s A Million Little Pieces, but Orlando definitely looked like Tilda Swinton in his shot and that was kind of fabulous.

It's like Woolf wrote a slash fiction where Orlando has sex with Willy Wonka. Whoa. Someone totally should write that slash fiction!

It's like Woolf wrote a slash fiction where Orlando has sex with Willy Wonka. Whoa. Someone totally should write that slash fiction!

Laury and Shawn became rock candy, which was weird, to say the least. The makeup here did look like rock candy, but it also looked like they had severe psoriasis and their skin was slowly peeling off.

Karen and Colin had to pose as chocolate, and while Karen totally made herself a hot chocolate goddess, Colin mostly looked like he’d been murdered in a black and white film and then covered in tin foil. Seriously, chocolate dripping out of his mouth looked like blood. I was worried for his safety.

Sandhurst and CJ became gumballs in the first shoot that had very different styling for its male and female participants. Sandhurst was painted with little gumballs all over his chest, and posed so gracefully with a gumball wedged between each finger. CJ had her hair transformed into a ponytail held together by giant blue balls, which was cool and reminded me of a science project. She looked very uncomfortable, though.

Amanda and Jonathan became lollipops and I think the makeup department did its worst job here. Amanda looked like she had been painted by a six-year-old girl with a My Little Pony fetish, and Jonathan, for some reason, only had lollipop stripes down his arms. He, too, looked somewhat equine, as they styled his hair like a mane. Surely there was a better way to be a lollipop than what the makeup folks came up with here, right?

Seriously, what the fuck is this? It's like Planet Unicorn.

Seriously, what the fuck is this? It's like Planet Unicorn.

Branden and Jordan got the best makeup of the night when they were transformed into candy canes. Outside of the photo, this makeup was extremely creepy, but both of their photos turned out amazingly.

Jordan was awarded the winner of this photoshoot and got a go-see at Miss Sixty. She decided to bring Moutaha with her, but neither model booked the job. Mountaha was considered too edgy for the brand, and the reps from Miss Sixty did not care one bit for Jordan’s giant hips. In the first episode, the show continued its tradition of making the models strip so Cory could measure them and keep track of their weight, as well as given them areas in which to improve. They noted things like Salome’s fat ass, Mountaha’s strangely un-Brazilian body and Colin and Orlando’s exceptionally small chests. (Male models should be 40″ in the chest. They were 36″ and 37″, respectively.) But I was surprised then that they didn’t note at all how huge Jordan’s hips are in comparison to the rest of her. I mean, I would guess that she’s like me: a 0/2 on top, and a 6/8 on the bottom. She takes a fierce picture, but I’m incredibly shocked that the discrepancy in her size hasn’t been a problem on the runway thus far. Those hips, though, lost her that Miss Sixty job. Someone’s got to notice that.

Even though this is a great picture, I still don't like candy canes.

Even though this is a great picture, I still don't like candy canes.

Then it was makeover time, and I was so happy to get two makeover episodes in one night! Tabatha from Shear Genius and Tabatha’s Salon Takeover dropped by to assess the model’s looks and assign them new, edgy New Zealand Cat Lady approved hair cuts. CJ started being a total bitch about her hair and how she doesn’t want it cut or colored because she has “natural” blonde hair and people would kill to achieve what she has. CJ, I’ma call you on your shit, girl. You have highlights. You have a multi-tonal blonde that is a mixture of natural and salon. And frankly, her reluctance to give up that blondeness just smacks of San Ramon, a wealthy community filled with blonde trophy wives. That’s nice work if you can get it, CJ, but you’re a model now. Suck. It. Up.

Tabatha took the models to a salon run by fellow Kiwi Rodney Cutler. For a second, I thought we were entering Flight of the Conchords‘ “New Zealand Town.” Some drastic changes were made to the models’ hair. Chiefly, Jonathan had his long hair cut off into a short cut that makes him look sexy in a Jude Law-ish way, Mountaha got bleached out like Tabatha and Tabatha herself chopped CJ’s hair into a really cute razored cut dyed chocolate brown. CJ hated it.

For the catwalk challenge, Tyson and Nicole asked the models to walk in pairs assigned according to height and look. Branden walked with Sandhurst, Shawn with CJ, Jonathan with Karen, Salome with Colin, Mountaha with Chris, Jordan with Amanda (whom she hates, apparently), and Gabriel with Laury, leaving Kerryn to walk alone. How sad for her. They kept up the candy theme by giving the models eye-popping sportswear and sports equipment made out of candy as props. The best bit of this show was in Mountaha and Jonathan’s end pose, where he swung his licorice whips like a golf club and she mimed watching the ball during his follow-through. Very clever.

Jonathan -- workin' it out.

Jonathan -- workin' it out.

Colin, Gabriel, CJ, Jonathan, Jordan, Chris and Branden were called out as the best and the worst of the week. None of the judges are happy with Gabriel at all. They hated his dour photograph and blasted his runway pout. Nicole gets angry with CJ for acting like she doesn’t give a shit, yawning on the runway and whatnot. She calls her a tasteless version of Kate Moss. In the end, Branden wins immunity for next week and, unfairly, they send Orlando home. I blame Catherine Malandrino for this entirely, because she was the most vocal about disliking Chris, when everyone else seemed so set to prevent Gabriel from becoming a supermodel.

The Husband:

My wife basically took my spiel, that Make Me a Supermodel is a great show because it’s actually about talented professionals honing their craft, while ANTM is about molding amateurs into Tyra-bots. Which is fine, don’t get me wrong. ANTM is still my favorite reality show on television because, I reiterate, I have never once been bored for one minute with the crazy Tyra-verse, but sometimes I like to see stuff about the actual industry.

You know a good comparison for the discrepancy between MMAS and ANTM? MMAS is a bitchier Top Chef, and ANTM is less bitchy Hell’s Kitchen. I think that’s pretty fair, no?

I also sorely miss A Model Life with Petra Nemcova, an eight-episode series from 2007 that followed the titular person leading a handful of struggling female models in the industry not as a competition, but basically as a cable television documentary. There were no eliminations – although that one chick (Angelika?) got straight-up fired by the end of the season – and it didn’t pit all the models against each other, as they were different types for different kinds of fashion.

Basically, if a show is good, I will watch it. But while I may get more pure entertainment out of ANTM, I actually learn stuff from watching MMAS.

And what did I learn this week? Big hips may be sexy to me, but designers no likey. (Wife’s Note: Damn straight they sexy!)