American Idol 8.35 and 8.36: “Top 4 Performances” and “Top 4 Eliminations”

The Husband:

Wrong.

Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong…

Why, America, why? All she wanted to do was be there for you so you could cry, cry, baby. Why do you hate her so?

Man, that was the first elimination this season to really upset me. It usually doesn’t take this long. And I just don’t get it.

Well, okay, I do kind of get it. Allison makes people uneasy. I’m not sure why. She has an incredible voice, an incredible stage presence and a clear career path that I think would outshine all but two American Idol winners so far. (Yeah, those two.)

And goddamn it, I hope above all hopes (been saying that phrase a lot recently) that her ousting has nothing to do with the “revelation” that she had previously won a television singing contest on Telemundo. I wish it had nothing to do with it because IT DOESN’T have anything to do with it. It is not against the rules of the show, nor has it ever been. If anything, it tells me that I’m voting for the right person, someone who has taken their licks and their laurels and made it work for them. Nowhere does it say that this is a contest for amateurs only, because then you get the last three seasons of Hell’s Kitchen.

And, honestly, most of these contestants over the years have some form of a career behind them. Almost all of them, in fact. But if I brought those up to you, that, say, one of the contestants in the top three has already cut an album, you would just shrug it off. Because when it all comes down to it, people are just looking for ways to justify their dislike of a certain contestant. But if they’re in the Top 12, they have gone through a background check from the highest of authorities (the television gods), so that should be enough for you.

But I’m hoping that people were just too intimidated by Allison Iraheta to vote for her, and that it had nothing to do with her “past.” Because that would be stupid.

As for Danny, you’re fucking dead to me, and so are your fans. You’ve had two, maybe three great performances on the show, far less than Allison, and Tuesday night you were not only awful, but you completely misunderstood rock music. It’s not your genre, you say? Yes it is. Because what you think is rock seems to actually be hard rock. You know what also counts as rock but isn’t hard rock? Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Beach Boys, Moody Blues, Pink Floyd, Fastball, Everclear, Beck, No Doubt, David Bowie, The Cars, R.E.M., Elvis Costello, The Killers, Death Cab For Cutie, the motherfucking Monkees. Fucking dozens of other subgenres. Those can be your sound because they are your sound. But no, you had to choose an Aerosmith song that did in Michael Johns last year (COSC Kibosh is in effect, by the way), and you embarrassed yourself with your song choice and your ignorance of the genre. That’s not my American Idol.

Oh well, fans. You just paved the way for Adam Lambert to win it all. I was actually hoping for some competition, because unless Kris Allen pulls something spectacular out of his hat next week, it’s almost a foregone conclusion.

The Wife:

Allison Iraheta, you deserved a spot in the final three, and I don’t know why America doesn’t like you, because I like you, and I’m sad to see you go. Surely, I thought Kara DioGuardi had given you (and Lambert) her seal of approval by sporting geode jewelry in homage to the big red geode you wore around your neck on Tuesday night, but apparently, Kara cribbing your fashion sense doesn’t get you into the Top 3.

And by the way, if you compare her farewell performance of Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby” to her winning performance on that Telemundo singing show (which you can check out below), you can see just how much Allison has improved in the two years since she won that contest (where they tarted her up in a sparkly halter like a baby Selena as she totally murdered “Total Eclipse of the Heart”). She has grown up a lot, and performs with a control and stage presence not seen in most girls her age. That farewell performance was a triumphant “Fuck You” to America, and that tiny dynamo made me cry a little bit.

As for you, Danny Gokey, I’ve got a video for you, too! America, how fucking dare you vote this lame-ass motherfucker, who had the stupidity and audacity to wear a shiny polyester shirt and a pinstripe vest on rock night, like he was a pimp in a 70s exploitation film, into your Top 3. Kara may not know anything about the timeline of the work of such a rock stalwart as Aerosmith, but you know nothing about rock and roll. Or about hitting notes. Your scream at the end of that song was almost as horrible as the sound made by the angriest cat in the world, Burger and Fries.

Oh, wait, that’s just your scream laid over an image of Burger and Fries. Apparently, America doesn’t have eardrums because they, for some reason, voted that through instead of lovely, polished, rock wunderkind Allison Iraheta.

I would, however, like to take a moment to revel in the glory of Allison and Adam’s performance of Foghat’s “Slow Ride,” and not just because Adam wore such tight stripey pants that all I did was stare at his junk for the duration of the song, but because that shit is what rock is all about.

Well, that and Gwen Stefani doing push ups in the middle of her set. Which is so fucking hardcore. I can’t believe her. She’s amazing and here’s where I go squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! because I have tickets to the No Doubt tour this summer! I kind of want Gwen to get into a fierce-off with Lady Gaga. I don’t know what a fierce-off would entail, but it would be fantastic to watch, whatever it is.

No Doubt tangent aside, I’m clearly rooting for Adam Lambert for the win. America needs an androgynous glam rock god right now. And I hope we get one.